Heavy
by DemonStripper
Summary: As host, Ciel knew it was his place to socialize as well, but he couldn't bring himself to do more than was necessary tonight. A dark shadow he couldn't shake loomed over the entire month. It had been over half a decade since he'd lost everything dear to him, but he still felt the crippling ache in his chest flare up each year without fail, as if it had all happened just yesterday.


**It's 2am, I've been writing for over five hours straight, we're back to lyric titles, and nothing makes sense anymore, but hopefully this angst does. Written for the 12 Days of Sebaciel event - Day 9: Ghosts of Christmas Past.**

**Fic song: Heavy - Linkin Park**

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The lights were bright and the smiles merry at the Phantomhive manor on Christmas Eve. Everyone seemed to be enjoying the party the young earl was coerced into hosting to keep up appearances, boost the spirits of his staff, and satisfy his remaining family. Elizabeth talked animatedly to Sieglinde and Prince Soma, who seemed to have invited himself despite not celebrating Christmas, and Edward was locked in a heated glaring contest with Nina Hopkins for what must have been the fifth time in three hours. Alexis and Frances Midford discussed business growth with one of the other aristocratic couples that had been invited out of sheer obligation, while the servants' chatted with Agni and Wolfram near the door, smiles impossibly wide as they took in the soft glow of the flickering candles adorning the majestic fir in the corner of the sitting room. Ironically so, even Sebastian seemed to be more jovial than usual, smirk oddly lacking its smugness as he watched the night unfold with sharp eyes, donning a crimson waistcoat to match the hand-strung cranberries draped elegantly across the fanned branches of the tree. However, despite the light atmosphere and uncharacteristically peaceful evening in the manor, there was one member of the household whose smile was as fake as they come.

In the lone wingback chair tucked away against the back wall nearest to the fireplace, Ciel sat, silent and sullen despite his forced welcomes and conversation with Elizabeth earlier in the night. An untouched glass of mulled wine was loosely grasped between his thin fingers, swirling softly when he flicked his wrist to softly jostle the dark liquid. His lips would raise slightly, almost mechanically, whenever someone would catch his eye, but quickly fell when he was once again out of sight. His eyes were trained on the tiny flames balanced precariously atop the candlesticks on the Christmas tree, watching them twirl and dances languidly. Were his butler not capable of controlling fire, he would avoid lighting them altogether to forego the risk of having his home engulfed in flames for the second time in his life, but he knew there was no risk of that with Sebastian by his side.

As host, he knew it was his place to socialize as well, especially with his cousins, aunt, and uncle, but he couldn't bring himself to do anymore than was absolutely necessary tonight. A dark shadow that he couldn't seem to shake loomed over this entire month. It had been over half a decade since he'd lost everything and everyone dear to him, but he still felt the crippling ache in his chest flare up each year without fail, as if it had all happened just yesterday. He had been struggling to keep up appearances for days now. Over the span of a week, nothing had been said of his somewhat despondent aura, though he suspected that Sebastian was beginning to notice that something wasn't quite right with him. Regardless of his best efforts to appear unbothered by the anniversary of the events that had wounded him irreversibly, the demon always seemed to catch onto his struggles before he himself could so much as come to terms with them. They spent every night together, lips colliding and limbs intertwining, slumbering in each other's arms until the rising of the blinding sun, so of course his lover was bound to realize he wasn't doing well eventually. He had merely hoped he would have a chance to drag himself from his misery before Sebastian began to worry. But if the sudden brush of a warm, gloved hand on his shoulder was anything to go by, it was already too late for that.

"Young master, are you quite alright?" Sebastian questioned, bending at the waist to whisper in his secret lover's ear with great concern. He knew his master was troubled, he was every year during these trying weeks that reopened his barely healing scars, but somehow this felt different. In other years, he managed to cope with his struggles well enough to appear somewhat pleased with the company he had during the holidays, or at the very least relieved whenever they were alone once again. But he seemed to be lacking his exquisite skills in acting this year, or perhaps he was simply too tired to make his ruse convincing… The devil was unsure if his little lord noticed it or not, but his hands were trembling badly, so much so that the wine in his glass was sloshing dangerously close to the rim of his glass. With a quick glance to check that no one was approaching them, he placed a gentle hand over Ciel's shaking one to steady the drink and keep it from spilling over. His dark brows knit together as he carefully studied the earl's face, his sole focus on the mortal who possessed his loyalty as well as his heart. His visible pupil was blown and his lips were set in a thin line, cheeks pale and breaths unsteady as reluctantly met the demon's own eyes. No words had to be said for the butler to know what needed to be done. "Do you want me to tell everyone you are feeling ill so that you may have some time?"

Ciel bit his lip thoughtfully. He knew he shouldn't give into the callings of his mind to retreat. He knew better than to give into such an absurd urge to hide himself away from his problems rather than face them head on, but he wanted nothing more than to give in just this once. To not have to lie and play the perfect earl and gentleman for one night - it was taxing on his good days, but it was nearly unbearable on his worst. He gave a quiet sigh as the met the amaranth irises boring into him intensely, allowing Sebastian to remove his wine glass from his hands when it nearly tipped over with the renewed force of the quivering in his fingers. His entire being was vibrating with anxiety. "I don't know…" He murmured almost silently, eye closing momentarily to keep his composure. "I want to, and I know that no one would question it if I were to leave, but it is not polite for the host to abandon his own party."

"My lord, everyone is having a wonderful time, and it will be believable enough to not draw suspicion." Sebastian stroked his cheek briefly, frowning at the warmth emitting from the alabaster skin. With a graze of his fingers across the boy's forehead, he found it to be far more heated than usual. He'd worked himself into a fever. It wasn't the first time this had happened during times of stress, he often made himself physically ill when he became too worried, but it still made caring for him more difficult. "Oh dear, I suppose it isn't as much of a fib as I'd hoped. You're feverish." He released his hold on the nobleman and took a step back, extending his hand kindly to offer Ciel aid. "Come, let's get you settled in upstairs and then I shall make the announcement that you have retired early."

Without further trepidation, Ciel accepted his beloved's hand. The long fingers curled around his own faded before reappearing on the small of his back, guiding him to the stairs as they slipped by his guests unnoticed. They traversed the halls in silence, no sound to be heard save for the distant hum of idle chatter from the sitting room steadily growing further and further away. Sebastian kept a respectable distance from his master in the unlikely event that someone noticed their absence and came after them, but the second the earl's bedroom door fell shut behind them, Ciel was pressed flush against his chest. The protective arms encircling him squeezed him gingerly, careful not to harm him by holding too tightly. No further urging was needed for him to return his lover's embrace. Small hands clutched the fabric of Sebastian's tailcoat with a strength wholly deceptive of his slight stature, clinging with a desperation for solace not displayed in the boy's tone when he spoke. They stayed that way for several long moments before reluctantly parting whenever they were reminded of the guests downstairs who would soon begin to question the missing host.

Sebastian deftly, yet gently, scooped Ciel up into his arms and discarded him on the side of his bed. He could tell he was growing weary and it was best to get his fever down as soon as possible. The heavy sapphire coat was a both a figurative and literal weight off his shoulders as the immortal laid aside his evening wear, trading it for a wool nightshirt sure to keep him warm on the cold winter night. On any other day, there would have been a plethora of suggestive comments made while he was being undressed, eventually leading to him trapped beneath his lover with his lips claimed and body bare, but tonight, the air around them was solemn. Once he was changed into more comfortable clothing, he was covered to his chest in thick blankets, a cool cloth soon residing on his forehead and his bangs swept aside to keep them from growing damp. His eyes fluttered shut whenever his eyepatch was removed and a chaste kiss was pressed to his temple.

"I must inform everyone of your illness and then I will return to you, young master. I will bring you some chamomile tea as well. Is there anything you else you require?"

The whispered, "No," he received in response caused a painful pang in his chest, but he hastily brushed it aside before departing. Though rare, he'd heard that tone before. It didn't take much to see that Ciel was hurting if one knew what to watch for, but that baritone was one he only took when he was close to breaking. He would have to be quick about returning, he was needed far more here than he was downstairs.

The time alone gave Ciel a moment to reflect on his feelings. He was ashamed of himself for being so weak, so human, but his displeasure at his own mind did nothing to soothe the pain ravaging him from the inside out. He could still feel the heat of the flames licking the manor's walls and hear the screams of his brother, feel the rough hands chaining him and the vile scent of coppery blood stinging his nostrils. Every ounce of pain inflicted on him was fresh upon his mind despite the knowledge that he would never experience such torment again with Sebastian by his side; It was a hell that he would only ever live through again in his nightmares, but that didn't mean his past haunted him any less. He missed his family. The lame jokes from his father, the cheeky antics of his mother, the games he and his brother always played, even the barks of the dog with whom he'd never quite seen eye to eye with… It had been seven years since he'd been left almost completely alone in this cruel world with only a demon's hand and a thirst for revenge to cling to to keep him going…

His chest tightened and his throat constricted as he sank into the spiraling darkness eating away at his mind, digits kneading into the sheets in an attempt to quell his mounting panic. His eyes screwed shut tightly, teeth grit to bid the whimpers clawing violently at his throat to cease, but in spite of his best efforts, his turmoil grew more profound. He was alone, and yet Ciel wanted to bolt, to leave behind his shroud of indifference and crumple as profoundly as he was inside; To scream and sob and cling to the beacon keeping him afloat in the waves of hurt threatening to drown him. But he knew he couldn't. He had to remain stoic, unshakable, cold; At least to a small extent for the sake of his dignity if nothing else. However, the soft hands suddenly cupping his cheeks ever so delicately made his attempts at hiding appear futile, even more so when they wiped away a single tear that trickled slowly down his left cheek. "Oh, young master…" Ciel heard Sebastian murmur quietly, leaning into the delicate touch upon his jaw. "It may not seem that way now, but in time, everything will be alright... Is there anything I can do to help make this easier for you? Talking about it can help on occasion."

"I don't want to speak of it. Just stay here with me until the sun rises."

"Always, my love." Sebastian's touch disappeared only briefly for him to shed his coat and shoes, slipping beneath the covers with the shivering mortal mere seconds later. Without disturbing the cool cloth on his forehead, the immortal trailed a soothing hand through the gossamer locks of ashen blue before coming to rest on Ciel's nape, his other holding the boy close by the waist. He said nothing, as words weren't what the younger male needed right now. Instead, he showed his care with actions. He wasn't surprised to feel Ciel begin to shudder fully, nor was he when he felt tears saturate the collar of his shirt as sniffles rang out to break the hush settled over the room. Muted sobs were pressed into his chest, but he didn't mind in the slightest - He simply held Ciel tighter and hummed in a consoling manner, rubbing his back in languid circles. Sebastian was unsure how long they remained curled up together that way, but finally, the earl's cries began to quiet, stopping altogether by the time the clock struck midnight. Sensing that Ciel was still awake without having to pull away to catch his gaze, he remembered the still-warm chamomile tea sitting on the nightstand. After the raw, mourning weeps that had spewed from the smaller being for an hour straight, his throat must have been sore. "My lord, if you could sit up for me, I can give you your tea. It may make you feel a bit better."

"Okay," Ciel rasped, clearing his throat uncomfortably as he shakily sat up with Sebastian's help. He felt somewhat numb now, his grief having melted away into exhaustion, but at least he was no longer on the brink of a panic attack now. He found some comfort in knowing that the feeling would be relieved and his energy replenished by rest, and after such a horrid night, he was sure to be allowed a few extra hours of sleep in his butler's arms. The delicate tea cup was passed into his hands and he took a slow sip, allowing it to rest on his tongue so that he could savour its lulling flavour before swallowing. Little by little, he drained the fine porcelain of its contents, eyes beginning to droop by the time he was finished. A quiet chuckle rumbled against his crown when he began to doze, still propped against the headboard with his tea cup in hand. He was easily maneuvered onto his back beneath the sheets as Sebastian used a thread of his power to extinguish the flames of the candelabra by his bedside. Without hesitation, Ciel huddled up to his demon, hands finding purchase on Sebastian's back as he leaned up to press his lips to the smiling ones of the immortal, lingering despite the gratitude replacing the lust that usually lingered with every shift and brush of their lips. Sebastian gladly returned the loving gesture. "Thank you, Sebastian, for all of this. For not giving up on me… I will try to make it up to you tomorrow."

With a shake of his head and another quick peck, Sebastian closed his eyes and nuzzled against Ciel's hair. "You have nothing to make up for, I am simply relieved to see you calm again. Don't worry about doing anything but relaxing tomorrow. You have nothing on your schedule because of the holiday, so you may spend the day however you like. But for now, get some sleep. I will remain here until you wake."

"Very well, but I swear to you, I will find a way to thank you one way or another…" Ciel grumbled petulantly, eyes closing as the furrow in his brow smoothed and his breaths began to even out. His voice was uncharacteristically soft and drowsy as he whispered one last time before drifting off into slumber. "Goodnight, Sebastian."

"Goodnight, my love."


End file.
